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How to Explain Your Will Decisions to Your Children (UK)

· 13 min

Note: The following scenario is fictional and used for illustration.

David, 58, spent three months agonizing over his will. He'd helped his eldest son Daniel with a £65,000 house deposit five years earlier but hadn't given his daughter Emily anything similar. In his will, he planned to leave Emily an extra £65,000 to equalize things—but he hadn't told either child about his intentions.

When David died suddenly from a heart attack, Emily discovered she was receiving more than Daniel. Without context, Daniel felt betrayed and accused his sister of manipulating their father. The siblings didn't speak for two years, and legal fees exceeded £18,000 before they settled.

This tragedy was entirely preventable. A single conversation during David's lifetime could have explained his reasoning, prevented the rift, and saved thousands in legal costs.

Should you tell your children about your will decisions? And if so, when and how? With 10,409 probate disputes filed in 2023 in the UK and 38% of Britons willing to legally contest inheritance distributions, this conversation matters more than ever. This guide shows you exactly when to talk, what to say, and how to explain even difficult decisions while preserving family relationships.

Table of Contents

Why Most Parents Avoid This Conversation (And Why That's a Problem)

Only 30% of UK adults over 55 discuss inheritance with their children, according to a 2025 Irwin Mitchell survey. Parents avoid the conversation due to fear of appearing controlling, worry about changing family dynamics, cultural taboos around death, and concern about being judged.

But silence comes at a devastating cost. In 2023, 10,409 probate disputes were filed—a 37% increase over the previous decade. Sibling disputes represent 49.5% of all inheritance conflicts.

Sarah, 52, left unequal amounts to her three children because one had special needs. After her death, her other children challenged the will, costing £42,000 in legal fees and delaying probate for 18 months—all because Sarah never explained her reasoning.

When to Have the Conversation (Age and Timing Guidance)

You're not legally required to tell anyone about your will contents during your lifetime. However, most experts recommend discussing provisions when children are 18+ or mature teenagers (16-17) who can understand financial and legal concepts.

Consider having the conversation at these life stage triggers:

  • When you first create your will
  • After major life changes (divorce, remarriage, new grandchildren)
  • When you make significant updates
  • When children reach financial independence
  • If you're naming guardians for minor children

Choose calm periods rather than holidays or stressful times. A private, comfortable setting when everyone can focus works best. The right time is when children are mature enough to understand but with enough lead time to ask questions and process emotions.

What You're Required to Share (And What's Optional)

Your will remains legally private until your death. You have no legal obligation to share contents with anyone.

At minimum, share these three pieces of information:

  1. The physical location of your will
  2. Who your executors are and their contact information
  3. Where to find important documents (property deeds, insurance policies)

Consider sharing more detail when you've made unequal distributions, exclusions, conditional bequests, or complex trust arrangements. These decisions carry emotional weight—explanation now prevents confusion later.

You're not obligated to share exact amounts, specific asset values, or tax strategies. Think of disclosure in levels:

  • Level 1 (Basic): Executors, will location, general approach
  • Level 2 (Moderate): Above plus percentages without amounts ("60% to your brother, 20% each to you and Sarah")
  • Level 3 (Full): Complete disclosure including values

Most families benefit from Level 2. You control the narrative—share enough to prevent problems without revealing more than you're comfortable discussing.

How to Explain Equal Distribution (The Easiest Conversation)

Even equal distribution deserves explanation. A simple conversation prevents confusion:

"I've made a will. Everything's divided equally between you and your siblings. Robert is executor, and the will is stored with Harris & Co Solicitors. Contact Robert if anything happens to me."

Clarify these key points:

  • Whether "equal" means equal by value or by specific items
  • How jointly owned property is handled
  • Whether gifts pass outside the will (life insurance, pensions)
  • What happens if one beneficiary dies before you

This straightforward conversation affirms fairness and demonstrates organization.

How to Explain Unequal Distribution (The Harder Conversation)

Unequal doesn't mean unfair—but you need to explain the distinction clearly.

Common legitimate reasons include equalizing lifetime gifts (one child received £60,000 for a house deposit), differential needs (special needs child requiring lifetime care), caregiving recognition, financial circumstances, business succession, or estrangement.

Framework for explaining unequal distribution:

  1. Start with love: "I love you all equally, but your circumstances differ."
  2. Explain specific reasoning: "Sophie, I helped you with a £60,000 deposit in 2019. My will leaves David an extra £60,000 to balance things."
  3. Frame as fairness, not favoritism: "I'm treating everyone fairly by recognizing different situations."
  4. Invite questions: "What questions do you have?"
  5. Acknowledge feelings: "I understand this might feel uncomfortable."

What to say:

✅ "Your different circumstances mean different needs" ✅ "This reflects the help I've already given during my lifetime"

What NOT to say:

❌ "You've done better so you don't need as much" ❌ "You'll understand when I'm gone" ❌ "It's my money and my decision"

Remember that 38% of Britons would dispute inheritance distributions. Adult children can challenge under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975. Explaining your reasoning reduces challenge likelihood.

Using a Letter of Wishes to Support Your Explanation

A Letter of Wishes is a non-legally binding document that sits alongside your will, explaining your reasoning and providing context.

While not legally enforceable, it matters in inheritance disputes. It puts your explanation in writing and provides evidence of careful thought, reducing the likelihood of successful challenges.

Include these elements:

  • Context for unequal distribution (dates, amounts of lifetime gifts)
  • Specific reasons for exclusions
  • Your values guiding difficult decisions
  • Messages of love even when distribution is unequal

Example excerpt:

"I am leaving unequal amounts to my three children. Thomas received £75,000 in 2018 for his business startup. In fairness, I am leaving Sarah and Michael each an additional £75,000 to equalize lifetime gifts. This reflects my desire to treat everyone fairly over my lifetime, not just at death."

During conversations with children, reference it: "I've written a Letter of Wishes explaining my reasoning in detail. It's with my will if you need to refer back to it."

Write your Letter of Wishes immediately after your conversation while your reasoning is fresh.

Handling Difficult Reactions and Pushback

Prepare for negative reactions including hurt feelings, anger, accusations, withdrawal, or threats to challenge the will.

How to respond:

To hurt feelings: Validate the emotion ("I understand this feels hurtful"), reiterate your love, re-explain your reasoning, and offer to revisit later.

To anger: Stay calm, stick to facts, and offer a cooling-off period if needed.

To accusations: Firmly reject them ("No one manipulated me") and point to your Letter of Wishes as evidence.

To withdrawal: Give space but keep the door open. Consider sending written explanation.

To threats: Don't change your will under duress. Explain calmly that challenges rarely succeed without basis.

What to say:

✅ "I hear that you disagree, and I understand why" ✅ "I've thought carefully about this" ✅ "I'm open to hearing your perspective, but this is my decision"

What NOT to say:

❌ "You're being selfish and ungrateful" ❌ "If you don't like it, you'll get nothing" ❌ "Fine, I'll change it" (unless genuine)

Consider revisions if they raise valid points you hadn't considered or circumstances have changed—but never change under duress or to avoid temporary conflict.

You can be empathetic without being apologetic. You're explaining your decisions, not seeking approval.

What to Do If You're Excluding Someone Entirely

You have testamentary freedom in England and Wales, but excluded adult children can challenge under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975.

Common reasons for exclusion include complete estrangement, sufficient wealth, serious harm, or non-existent relationship.

Explanation is critical because courts consider your reasoning. Documented explanation shows careful thought, not impulsive spite.

How to explain in person (if possible):

"I've made a difficult decision about my will. I've decided not to include you as a beneficiary. We haven't had contact for 15 years despite my efforts to reconcile. I wanted you to hear this from me, not discover it after I'm gone."

When direct conversation isn't possible:

Document everything in your Letter of Wishes. Have your solicitor send formal notification. Record all reconciliation attempts.

What to document:

  • History of relationship breakdown (specific dates)
  • Reconciliation attempts (dates, methods, responses)
  • Specific exclusion reasons
  • Their financial circumstances if relevant
  • Any legal proceedings (restraining orders, convictions)

Remember Ilott v Blue Cross—an estranged daughter successfully challenged her mother's £486,000 estate, receiving £50,000. Complete exclusion requires solicitor involvement.

Should You Discuss Your Will with Children and Your New Partner?

Blended families require extra transparency. You're balancing your current partner's security with your children's inheritance.

Common scenarios include life interest trusts (partner lives in house for life, then passes to children), percentage splits, or protective trusts preventing your partner from later disinheriting your children.

Joint conversations work when:

  • Relationships are positive
  • You want to demonstrate fairness simultaneously
  • It prevents "he said/she said" accusations

Separate conversations work better when:

  • Tensions exist between stepparent and children
  • Different detail levels are appropriate

What to explain to children:

"I need to ensure Sarah is cared for during her lifetime. After she dies or no longer needs the house, it comes to you. I've used a trust to protect both her security and your inheritance."

What to explain to your partner:

"My children are important to me. I've balanced your security during your lifetime with their inheritance after."

Legal protection matters—mirror wills can be revoked, but mutual wills are legally binding. Protective trusts prevent the surviving spouse from altering provisions later.

How to Document the Conversation (Protecting Your Decisions)

Documentation proves you had testamentary capacity, made decisions freely, and communicated transparently.

What to document:

  • Date, location, who was present
  • What you explained (general terms)
  • Questions asked and your responses
  • Their reactions
  • Any follow-up agreed

How to document:

  • Diary entry: Write a simple dated note
  • Email follow-up: "Following our conversation today, I wanted to confirm..."
  • Letter of Wishes: Note that you discussed provisions with family
  • Solicitor attendance note: If present, they'll create formal record

Example diary entry:

"16 January 2026: Talked with Emma (32) and James (29) about my will. Explained I'm leaving the house to Emma, equivalent value to James (£240,000 each). Both satisfied. Will location confirmed (Harris & Co Solicitors). Robert is executor."

What NOT to do:

  • Record without permission
  • Force written acknowledgment
  • Use as threat
  • Share with some children but not others

Write your note immediately while details are fresh.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: When should I tell my children about my will decisions?

A: There's no legally required age, but most experts recommend waiting until children are adults (18+) or at least mature teenagers who can understand financial and legal concepts. The right timing depends on your family circumstances, the complexity of your estate, and whether your decisions might surprise anyone.

Q: Do I have to tell my children what's in my will?

A: No, you're not legally required to share your will contents with anyone, including your children. However, discussing your decisions—especially if they're unexpected or unequal—can prevent misunderstandings, reduce the risk of disputes, and give children time to understand your reasoning while you're still here to explain.

Q: How do I explain unequal inheritance to my children?

A: Be honest about your reasons, whether it's equalizing previous financial help, reflecting different needs, or other circumstances. Frame the conversation around fairness rather than favoritism, and consider writing a Letter of Wishes to provide additional context. Having the conversation early allows time for questions and prevents resentment after you're gone.

Q: What if my children disagree with my will decisions?

A: Listen to their concerns but remember it's ultimately your decision. You have testamentary freedom in the UK. If they have valid points, you can consider them, but you're not obligated to change your will. Document your reasoning in a Letter of Wishes to show you've thought carefully about your decisions.

Q: Should I explain why I've excluded someone from my will?

A: Yes, especially if the exclusion might be surprising or contested. Adult children can challenge a will under the Inheritance Act 1975 if they believe they haven't received reasonable financial provision. Explaining your reasoning—both verbally and in a Letter of Wishes—provides context and can reduce the likelihood of a successful challenge.

Q: Can my children force me to tell them what's in my will?

A: No, your will contents remain private during your lifetime. Children have no legal right to see your will before you die. You control what information you share and when. However, voluntary disclosure can prevent surprises and family conflict after your death.

Q: What information should I definitely share with my children about my will?

A: At minimum, tell them where to find your will, who your executors are, and how to contact them. If you've made decisions that might surprise or upset them—such as unequal distribution, exclusions, or conditional bequests—it's wise to explain your reasoning while you're alive to provide context.

Conclusion

Key takeaways:

  • Start the conversation when children are adults or mature teenagers—waiting until they're 18+ ensures they can understand financial and legal concepts, and having the discussion while you're healthy gives time for questions and emotional processing
  • Be honest about unequal distributions—frame decisions as equitable (recognizing different circumstances) rather than equal, and explain specific reasoning such as lifetime gifts, special needs, or caregiving contributions
  • Use a Letter of Wishes to support your explanation—document your reasoning in writing so it's available after your death, provides evidence of careful thought, and reduces the likelihood of successful challenges
  • Expect emotional reactions and stay firm—validate feelings without apologizing for considered decisions, listen to concerns, but remember you're explaining rather than seeking approval, and make changes only if truly warranted
  • Document the conversation simply—write a dated note recording who you told, what you explained, and their reactions; this provides evidence of transparency and helps executors if disputes arise later

Talking to your children about your will takes courage, but silence doesn't protect them—it protects you from temporary discomfort at the cost of potential family breakdown later. The few difficult minutes of explanation can prevent years of legal disputes, tens of thousands in legal fees, and permanent relationship damage between siblings. Give your children the gift of understanding your reasoning while you're here to explain it.

Need Help with Your Will?

Once you've had these important conversations with your children, you need your will properly documented with clear provisions and a supporting Letter of Wishes that explains your reasoning.

Create your will with confidence using WUHLD's guided platform. For just £99.99, you'll get your complete will (legally binding when properly executed and witnessed) plus three expert guides. Preview your will free before paying anything—no credit card required.

Legal Disclaimer: This article provides general information only and does not constitute legal or financial advice. WUHLD is not a law firm and does not provide legal advice. Laws and guidance change and their application depends on your circumstances. For advice about your situation, consult a qualified solicitor or regulated professional. Unless stated otherwise, information relates to England and Wales.

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